I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
