my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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