The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
