Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Randomize
