My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
