he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
