The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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