i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
