I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm jealous of your bromance
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
