On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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