my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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