I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
