i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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