It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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