I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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