My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
