i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
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i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
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YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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