he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
