Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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