I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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