Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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