last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
