You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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