I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
