I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
