Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
