Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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