Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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