It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
