Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
