Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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