i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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