I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
