Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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