Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
