When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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