My hair reeks of homosexuality.
You smell like stripper and shame
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's no shave November. This is our time.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
