my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
