Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Randomize
