420 ftw
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
