Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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