if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
