Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
