I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
