There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
