I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
how do flat chested girls get laid?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
