Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
