did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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