i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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