god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
