my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
