two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
