I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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