if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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