community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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