So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just got carded by a ten year old.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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