I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
