you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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