It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
