I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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