I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
