Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
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He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
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You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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