He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
