I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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