I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
